craig james hildebrand, MIDNIGHT AT THE MIXED EMOTION
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"The problem with Pittsburgh, he said," he said, "is that you can't
find a decent sandwich anywhere. Can you believe that? A sandwich.
In this town."
"What a putz."
"An absolute putz."
"What you call deconstructionism I call evolutionary terrorism."
"Darling, I don't know what you mean."
"It's getting noisy in here, it's hard to think."
"I find that I think better when I'm surrounded by noises."
"Yeah, but the menu."
"Oh, right. Just get the turkey. Everyone gets the turkey."
"I had the turkey last time."
"Excuse me?"
"Sorry, just overhearing."
"The entire movement seems to be based off of this washy cleverness
that doesn't quite prove anything. I mean, who wants to live in a
world where nothing has any meaning on its surface?"
"Nobody, dear."
"I don't want to die without having once meant something."
"But you won't die, dear. You'll live forever and forever."
"How's the soup?"
"Hot, viscous."
"Eesh."
"Yeah."
"I'm not even sure what viscous means but it can't be good."
"It's not very good."
"If viscous were a good thing it wouldn't have been named viscous.
It would have been named caramel or sky."
"We're in the heart of sandwich culture, look around. Well, not in
here, this place is a dive. A good dive, but a dive."
"Dive culture is thinning out. Real dives are inexpensive. These
places are just lucrative ventures that look and act inexpensive, but
if you look at the menu it's an eight dollar cheeseburger. That's not
a dive, it's a cannonball."
"When did we all become so cynical? It's truly the greatest hardship
of modern living. Absolute cynicism."
"Maybe the meatloaf. Have you tried the meatloaf?"
"Oh, no dear. Don't get the meatloaf. It's far too dry for November."
"If everyone here could just quiet down for twenty seconds I could
figure out what I want to eat."
"Just get the turkey, what am I telling you?"
"But my body doesn't need turkey. It needs something. I just don't
know what."
"It's all the same, man."
"No it isn't. We crave different foods because we need the nutrients
they provide. When you want a banana it's because your body needs
potassium. Our bodies are incredibly smart. Infinitely smarter than
we are. When a pregnant woman wants pickles and ice cream, she's work-
ing with a very complex chef in her stomach. Right now my body needs
something but it can't figure out what. It needs something very
intricate."
"Sounds like you need a beer."
"Maybe that's it."
"You want the soup or the salad?"
"Hell I don't know."
"It comes with either soup or a salad."
"What kind of salad?"
"It's mixed."
"I know it's mixed."
"Then why'd you ask?"
"I'm stalling you."
"Honey, I'm working, stall someone else."
"We're living in an age where the cynic is finally catching on to cynicism."
"Frightening thought, dear."
"I wouldn't be surprised if we all just disappeared."
"Now you go to Crafton, Wilkinsburg, you couldn't find a decent sandwich
with a pack of wild dogs. But Pittsburgh... Shit, we invented the sandwich."
"Guy's a putz, got no idea."
"There is a true heart behind real dive bars that can never be seen."
"Yeah but look at our waitress, look how tired she is. The food must be
delicious."
"She's always tired. She was born tired, she grew up tired. She wakes
up tired, she goes to bed tired. She sleeps tired. The principle qua-
lity of that woman is that she is tired. She is more tired than she is
a woman."
"Just look under her eyes."
"Cynicism, at best, is only half-hearted. There can no longer be a true
cynic because he's grown too cynical of the laws which govern cynicism."
"Chicken pot pie. What do you think of that?"
"I try not to eat suspenseful food."
"Says here they've got Spanish turkey."
"Spanish turkey? Where?"
"Right here, I Am Turkey. Now what the hell could that be?
"I don't see it."
"It's on the next page, about halfway down."
"Where?"
"Right there, I Am Turkey."
"Oh, that's Soy Turkey."
"I think we're both right."
"Language is a testament to man's proclivity to be in on a private joke."
"Proclivity, good word."
"Thanks. I just finished the dictionary."
"How was it?"
"It was good. I find it fascinating that the English language begins
and ends with burrowing animals."
"Soup or salad?"
"What kind of soup is it?"
"Just say salad."
"Salad."
"I think I'll try the veal."
"Oh, really, how heartless."
"What? They have it."
"Just because it's on the menu doesn't make it moral."
"Darling, it's dying either way. Waiting for the cow to grow older
before we kill it is one of mankind's most embarrassing vanities."
"But darling, it's a baby."
"We're plunderers, dear. Let us plunder."
"Oh, here she comes."
"Excuse me, miss."
"Yes?"
"What's in the steak?"
"Oh, let's see. There's fat, protein, zinc, iron, muscle fiber,
amino acids, alanine, salt molecules, cell membranes, endomysium,
ultrastructural myofilaments, anisotropic striations, myogoblin,
that's the pigment, vitamin B-12, B-6, and there's one other
thing, but damned if we can figure out what."
"Oh..."
"What's wrong?"
"I'm allergic to myofilaments."
"Have you tried the Spanish Turkey?"
"No, is it good?"
"It is."
"So I said The hell with you, buddy, I'm goin' back home and I'm
gonna get a sandwich the size of your head for a price that's the
size of your brain."
"And what did he say?"
"Nothing, he punched me."
"He punched you?"
"Square in the jaw."
"And what did you do?"
"I hurt."
"And then what?"
"I went and got a sandwich."
"What kind?"
"Pastrami."
"How was it?"
"Great."
"Is there anything else I should know?"
"When I woke up this morning I thought about blue birds."
"Blue birds?"
"Yeah. Not bluebird bluebirds, but blue birds, like birds that
aren't normally blue."
"What were they doing?"
"They were flying."
"Where were they going?"
"I don't know."
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